Because
by UndeadWithoutCoffee
Summary: Tumnus, the Pevensies and Professor Kirke have to deal with the events of LWW. In a way all of them are alone with their thoughts, but in the end, maybe not. This story deals with the thoughts of the main characters. The books were used as source.
1. Because a lifetime is too short

**AN/:** Hi guys, I have rewritten this chapter and this is the final version, I updated to my new account.

This fanfic will be dealing with how the Pevensies but also other charcters from LWW where affected by the children´s adventures. This first chapter will deal with Tumnus and I have planned to write at least five or six other chapters. The basic idea is that while the chapters fit together to build one story they are also able to stand alone as well.

Thank you charli800 for beta-reading this chapter.

If you have any suggestions or any comments, I am open to any reactions.

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Because a lifetime is too short, I will never see you again. I am old now and worn; still I have been waiting for you for as long as I was allowed. Not only has Narnia lost one of its great queens, but I have lost you, my dear Lucy. I never gave up my hope, that you would return, that you had not died during the hunt for the wishing stag, but I never saw you again. Maybe it is time to give up this elusive hope, but whenever I try, I realise that I can't forget you.

Even now, when my memory is fading away, it seems as if it was just yesterday that I met you at the old lantern for the very first time. There, so many years ago, you told me about the city of War Drobe in the far country of Spare Oom. I would have handed you over to the White Witch then, Daughter of Eve. I was a bad faun, but you changed me with your kindness. To me it seems that you have changed my life and my beliefs from the first moment on. Later you changed even my feelings.

I have never told you this, but as you became older there was more than friendship I felt for you. I started to love you.

When I heard that you had not returned from the hunt I felt as if a shadow had been placed on my heart: maybe I knew, deep inside, that you had left me forever. My friends tried to comfort me for a long time after you had gone: I know that they wanted to help me, but this darkness remained forever. After a while life continued in Narnia, but I didn't feel like taking part in it at first, and I have never been the same during the dances of the fauns and satyrs in the woods. While the years passed my beloved friends died as well, the beavers faded years ago, and I grew lonely after all of them were gone.

Today I think that hope has betrayed me to believe that I could have you back. If only I would have acted, I wouldn't now have to wait for to seeing you again. And still, I wonder. Maybe the happiness I would have felt at your return would have made me tell you what I truly thought. I regret now that I never chose to tell you. You are a Daughter of Eve and a queen; I am no match for you. I am a faun while you are human and I have always thought I was too old for you. But my feelings are here, and I remember now I sometimes noticed you looking at me, when you thought I was not paying attention to you. But I pushed it aside; still glad you didn't care about our differences , but simply accepted my friendship.

Now what I am feeling doesn't matter: my time in Narnia is almost up. My life has been long, although it seems as if I had no real life after the Golden Age had faded away and you were gone with it. I am getting tired, and think I should sleep for a while.

I lean back in my armchair, staring at the place where you used to sit when you visited me, but I can't hold my eyes open any longer and I am slipping away into the land of dreams.

When I open my eyes I am standing on a grass-grown hill and on the top Aslan is standing, still looking the same as the last time I saw him, on the day of your coronation. You were crying then, because he had left and I comforted you, saying that he was free and that no one could tame him.

I know why he is here in my dreams: he is waiting for me and I am climbing the hill, walking towards him. Even though we do not speak, it seems as if Aslan knows what is going on inside me, like he always knew; like he knew your brother. Despite the silence I feel better now, knowing that he is here to take me with him, knowing that I am not alone: He is comforting me without words but in a way no-one could throughout the years.

Still I am sad. I am sad because a lifetime was too short to tell you I am sorry for being the one who told you about the white stag. I was the one who sent you and your siblings on this insane hunt, but now Aslan is here, and he can see my weaknesses and he forgives.


	2. Because I can t go back

AN/: Here is the second chapter, it is Lucy´s .

Thanks again to Charli800, you have helped me a lot!

If you have suggestions please feel free to tell me.

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Because I can't go back, I am crying in the room I share with my sister. I am lying on my bed, not able to sleep because I miss you so much, even though we saw each other just yesterday. You told me about the white wishing stag that could fulfil wishes if it was caught, and I went to tell my siblings about this magical creature.

Peter and Edmund agreed right away to go on a hunt for the stag, while Susan didn't want to go at first. She said it might be dangerous, but secretly I had already made up my wish. I wished that you would say 'yes' if I asked you if you would go to a banquet with me. I had many suitors in Cair Paravel when I got older, but I was never really interested in them. It was you to whom my heart belonged. I was wishing so desperately that you would feel the same for me and I hoped that the wishing stag could help me to be brave enough to tell you.

I imagined that we would come back after the hunt for the stag and that Peter would give a feast to celebrate it. I would have asked you to accompany me; maybe I would have asked you to dance with me, in front of all the suitors that come to such an occasion to court a queen. In the end everything was different.

We left as it was planned, but my curiosity awoke when we saw a rusty object among the coloured leaves of the thick forest. When we first saw the lantern again after fifteen years we had forgotten what it was. While we were examining the place around it, we accidentally stumbled across the boundaries of the enchanted land where we had lived for so long. We were back, and I could no longer ask you.

The night after our return to the 'real world', a place that seems so unreal and grim to me after living in a land of wonders, I went back to the wardrobe and climbed inside. I tried to find my way back to the place that is the home of my heart and soul, and to you, who holds my heart, but there were only solid walls.

Maybe I was too careless because of my desire to return to you, since the professor heard me and waited for me in front of the wardrobe. He looked at me and although I tried to hold back the tears, he seemed to know what I was feeling. From the sad look on his face I thought he was feeling the same.

Professor Kirke told me that there was no returning through the wardrobe and I think that was the moment my heart finally broke into pieces. Unable to say a word I let him escort me back to the room I was sharing with Susan, and I went to lie down in bed. After the professor had left, the tears came unhindered and I don't know how long I have been lying here now.

I know that I am not the only one to be awake still. I can see Susan's figure in the darkness: she is trembling just like me. It is the first time in my life that she is not at my side when I need her

Although I am still crying, I look at her for a few minutes before I get up and walk over the other bed, and she lifts up her blanket to let me into the warmth. After I have settled, she puts her arms around my body. It is the body of a little girl since we have left the wardrobe, a feeling that I had almost forgotten. Now we are grieving together over our loss, a loss that neither of us can understand.

How can I live my life as a child again when I am a queen of Narnia? How is my soul supposed to remain whole when it , together with my heart, is torn apart? There will always be a shadow over me, even though I wish there wasn't, but I don't have a choice, because I can't go back.


End file.
